my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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