I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
