I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
