i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
