im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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