If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
