Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
