haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
