omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
