Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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