her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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