OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
