No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
