Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
We need a shit load of segways right now
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
