Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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