I think I won the penis lottery.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
