I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
