Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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