last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
