Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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