Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
