my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
She even gives head with a lisp.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Just puked most of my soul out..
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