Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize