guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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