I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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