I think i peed on brittanys purse
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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