Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
