But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
