new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Still dying that you shit outside
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
