My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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