We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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