Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
We need to rekindle our bromance
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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