dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
