is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
