If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Mom said you looked used
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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