my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
tequila makes me forget i have legs
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
