i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
