your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
