I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
