I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
