I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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