He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
