remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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