I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
