i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
whose ass print is on the piano?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
