I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
