I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
