So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
