I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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