A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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