my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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