Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
