Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
