look no pants
I didn't shave. On purpose
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Everyone says I win the strip club
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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