fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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