I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
