i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize