Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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