dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize