He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
